Shivers of Pain
by silver-tears7
Summary: I scream whenever you interrupt my dreams. I shiver every time I think of you. Your innocent love is driving me to insanity. Sometimes the pain you have inflicted becomes almost impossible for me to endure. Why can't I live without you? Why do I love you?


**Shivers of Pain**

Ginny gazed at the silvery moon that sparkled over the shining lake. She closed her eyes for a moment, feeling the darkness separating her from the rest of the world. Her mind became suffocated as her thoughts immediately wandered, as always, on _him_. She wished he knew how much she loved him. Her infatuation towards him was as strong as her loathe. He was the one who had shattered her life and been her love. She wished agony upon him for what he had done to her; for the countless tears she had shed when there were rumors about his death. She wanted to fade away from the evil world she tasted, for the mental pain to vanish, and to forget her agonizing past.

They had been a happy couple, or so it had seemed. Other girls envied her for having the eminent Harry Potter as her boyfriend, and she had smiled to herself whenever she thought of her blissful life. Serenity in her life did not last long. When her family was killed in the war her life changed irreversibly for the worst. She had felt so broken inside as she wept on Harry's shoulder. He comforted her and he showed compassion towards her. But he had left her when she most needed him. Why, she never knew. Hoping for some rest, she tried to push Harry out of her life. But it seemed the more she tried to forget about him, the more she thought about him. The more she loved him, the more she hated herself and hated him for making her love him.Torn between the strong powers of passion and hatred, Ginny's only breakaway was a desperate one.

Harry tossed restlessly in his bed, unable to get some sleep. He stood up and walked towards the small window that overlooked the dark avenue behind the hotel. Sighing deeply, he desperately craved to get rid of the tormenting guilt that was haunting his mind. No matter how hard he tried, he could not remove the picture of Ginny from his thoughts. He couldn't possibly forget the look on her face when he had broken the news of leaving. Pain tore at her stunning face and those frail tears, streaming down her cheeks, still broke his heart every time he thought of her. At that time, he could not tell her why he had to depart so suddenly, why she couldn't come with him and when he would be back. The secret mission he had been sent on, with a few Aurors, was for the benefit of the wizarding world, but this operation only resulted in one of the best Ministry Aurors being murdered.

Harry had, once again, escaped the ruthless fate of death. Somehow, his morale had grown unfeeling and bleak from all the grim experiences he had faced. His mind seemed to think in a different way about everything, especially death. What frightened him the most was that he took loss of life too casual – he did not feel the numb, empty feeling anymore whenever someone he knew died. His heart had felt too much pain to suffer anymore.

But Ginny was different. He shivered every time he thought of her and closed his emerald eyes tight, in order to prevent the tears. The tears that he had for many years shed, trickle again down his pale cheeks. He felt ashamed now every time he involuntarily cried about Ginny and brushed away his tears with increasing anger. He often considered going back and telling her that he was sorry, explaining to her why everything had happened and reunite with her once more. But he knew she would never forgive him, no matter how many times he apologized. He had broken her heart once; she would not give him the chance to do it again. He had ripped the strong trust Ginny had built for him after so many years, impossible was the thought of getting it back once again.

Ginny bit her lip so fiercely that she drew blood, trying to stop herself from sobbing uncontrollably. When this did not work, she put her head in her hands, unable to take control of herself any longer.

Suddenly, she became inspired to move and so she sprinted as fast as her tired legs would take her. She felt the chilly wind on her skin, brushing away the tears of misery and hatred that were now streaming down her face. She wanted to turn away from the nightmare she was living and start life over again as the innocent and lovable girl she had once been. She gasped for breath and her legs protested with every stride she took, but never did her pace slow down; not once did she look back at where she came from.

It was only after a few minutes that she realised where her legs were taking her. For many months whilst they were together, she had often traveled to the place with Harry. Those memories always brought tears to her eyes. He would embrace her in his arms and swear to her, over and over again, that they would always have each other, whatever happened. Only now did she wonder whether he had just been trying to assure himself, rather than her.

She remembered the last time they had met there, just one night just before he walked away. She recalled the look in his eyes, a look of sympathy as he stroked her hair tenderly and broke the ghastly news just as gently. _Silly of me_, she thought, _for not noticing what was hidden behind that compassionate expression on his face. _

It was only the next morning, when she had risen in an empty bed and discovered a crimson rose on her bedside table that reality sank in.

How she resented going to Godric's Hollow now – if only she possessed control over her body and had the ability to turn back.

Pulling his cloak around him, Harry opened the door with a creak and treaded quietly into the lounge. He was just in time to see the middle aged receptionist nodding off. He woke up, though, with a startle when his cat hopped onto his lap. Outside in the frosty wind, Harry quivered slightly as he strolled around the hushed neighborhood. He glimpsed at an aged couple sitting on a bench under a beech tree, too busy enjoying New Year's Eve together to notice a skinny twenty-year-old passing by.

As Harry ambled into unfamiliar avenues, awkward stillness greeted him and the deafening silence made it appear as if the world was holding its breath for something to happen. Hearing his own shallow breath and the echo of his pacing footsteps made him feel uncomfortable. He willed himself to be more courageous and to stop worrying about childish matters.

Deep inside, Harry knew he was just deceiving himself; he was disguising the nagging pain inside his chest. His mind seemed to be dependent on Ginny's forgiveness, he could not think anymore without her interrupting his thoughts and dreams. His body did not want to be controlled by his mind anymore.

The moonlight shone on the ruins of Godric's Hollow, making it appear grim and furtive. The avenue was motionless except for the whistling of the trees and the constant gusts of the wind. Ginny pulled her cloak tighter around her and gasped faintly as memories from the past bore into her mind. As she walked towards the house, where Harry's parents had been murdered nineteen years before, uneasiness swept over her. She forced herself to a halt when she came to the front door of the house that used to be the Potter's.

_Am I not inflicting myself enough pain without having to come to this place, where anguished memories are all I have endured? _she asked herself, feeling her heart racing in her chest.

She breathed in deeply, slowly releasing the air while counting to ten, just like her mother had always taught her to do whenever she was feeling anguish. She nervously walked inside, carefully treading on the wooden floor; her hands shuddered when she touched the humid walls of the hallway. The cold, empty rooms gave Ginny shivers.

The rooms were completely bare, without any furniture, and Ginny noticed how the spells that had been cast on the paint were wearing off due to neglect, leaving the colour to crumble from the walls and ceiling. The only source of light came from the dim streetlamps outside. Heading back to the hall, she gazed at the wooden staircase; it creaked under her weight when she placed her foot on the first step. She crept up the stairs, which were falling away in some places, her mind fretting over a single thought…

_I shouldn't be here…I want to go home…_

Suffocating darkness and a sick smell of humidity welcomed Ginny to the first floor. When her eyes became adjusted to the blackness around her, she could slightly detect the outlines of the doorways and broken windows. Feeling for her wand, she pulled it out from her ripped cloak and whispered, "_Lumos_."

This place was not the Godric's Hollow she knew – it had been a special house then, filled with heartbreaking recollections, somewhere to go when they were depressed. In a way, it used to be a comforting place for Harry and herself, it was the closest thing to having a family and a home. But now, it was so different, she felt like she was opening her eyes to reality for the first time, seeing the place clearly after so long. Ginny felt unwelcome there; the place looked forbidden, menacing even. The whole building felt so numb, dead and soulless.

She wandered into every room, coughing every now and then because of the lack of fresh air, and coming to halt at the room which, she knew, had once been the Potters' bedroom. Faint stains of light brown, dry blood on the walls, still gave the impression that something had gone terribly wrong in that room. She couldn't tell if it was the faint breeze coming from the shattered-glassed window or the smudges of blood that left her shuddering violently and so she turned away.

Ginny remembered the first time she had entered that room with Harry, how he had stared at those blood stains, his mouth open wide. He closed his eyes because he could not take all the pain. They had talked about it, and had come to the conclusion that the blood must have been from a violent struggle before Voldemort killed James and Lily. His teary eyes showed nothing but despair, and she had not been able to bear looking at them.

Snapping back to reality, she sprinted down the stairs, glad to breathe fresh air once she was outside. Ginny slid against the trunk of an evergreen tree and stared at the crying night sky above her, feeling the delicate rain on her skin.

There was a sharp intake of breath from the shadows behind her; it made her stand up alertly. What she saw made something run along Ginny's spine that was far more chilling than a shiver – it was more like a convulsion. Her throat tightened painfully, leaving her unable to breathe. She felt her heart thumping in her chest and tears of despair pushed against her eyes, unnoticeable because of the raindrops on her face.

"Harry," she whispered.

Ginny watched as Harry took a step forward. Fear pounded on her like a hammer, her head swam and her heart knocked against her ribs. She trembled in terror and her limbs ached agonizingly. Her vision was blurry and she heard a deafening ring in her ears. She couldn't ignore her burning throat, as her lungs craved desperately for air. Cold sweat was trickling down her face and her shallow breath increased considerably. She felt herself frozen to the ground, immobilized by her terror.

She felt herself being embraced in strong arms. The world seemed to be spinning around her and she sensed herself growing faint. But the stomach-clamping horror was fading slowly as she squeezed her eyes shut.

She felt Harry's lips brushing against hers, felt the warmth of his body as he pressed himself against her. Ginny dug her head against his chest and sobbed, pulling him closer to her and never wanting to let go. She looked up at his eyes, those caring eyes which hushed her cries.

_How could they be the same eyes that betrayed me?_

She backed away from him, as though she had just received an electric shock. Harry's expectant eyes pierced into hers hopeful, heartfelt and amorous, like they always were.

_Why won't he say something?_

He placed his hand on the side of her neck, feeling her racing pulse and stroked her jaw line with his thumb. Ginny removed it gently, doing what she thought was right.

"You're angry with me." It was not a question but a statement. His voice was husky, as though he hadn't spoken for a long time.

"Will you let me touch you after I have explained everything?" he demanded, betraying a note of pleading in his voice.

She looked at the ground, feeling the rain drops slide down her face. She could not forgive him, not after everything he did. Time could not possibly ease the pain he had inflicted. Time had only increased the emptiness inside her. And now Harry was here, in front of her, begging her to hear him. She had seen this so often in her nightmares, heard those words over and over again in her head. They had nearly driven her to insanity.

She nodded and saw his eyes relax at her gesture.

Ginny knew she would hear him, but forgiving him? Would it help her get her life back? Her heart ached at the very thought, and her head throbbed unbearably, leaving her unable to think straight. What if he left her again?

_Would she be able to endure the pain all over again?_

Her eyes gazed at his moving lips, which were now imploring her for forgiveness. The numb feeling in her chest eased, but it did not fade away entirely. Ginny looked into his eyes, searching for the naked truth.

"I forgive you," she whispered, her voice breaking slightly.

She felt his strong arms pulling her closely to him, feeling the warmth of his body against hers. She could feel his hot breath on the side of her neck, his soft skin that she had missed so much.

But something was wrong. Why else would she be feeling goosebumps all over her body?

Ginny was hesitant and moved back, aware of Harry's questioning eyes. "Things can never be the same again between us. So much time has passed and…"

"And what?" Harry's voice asked softly. He was unable to stop it from shaking.

"And I don't know if I feel the same way about you. I don't want to hurt you, Harry, but…"

"Are you saying it's over?"

"Yes."

Ginny looked away as she saw tears appearing in Harry's eyes. "I'm sorry. We can still be friends," she whimpered.

"I suppose so," Harry said bitterly. He walked towards the forbidding avenue, only pausing to look at Godric's Hollow. He then died away into the darkness.

As Ginny stared at his fading shadow, she heard a clock chime midnight in the distance. This New Year will bring a fresh start to both of them, if only they'd forget their past.

She had forgiven him and so perhaps now the nightmares would stop. The excruciating pain might finally ease.

Summary:

_I scream whenever you interrupt my dreams. I shiver every time I think of you. Your innocent love is driving me to insanity. Sometimes the pain you have inflicted becomes almost impossible for me to endure. _

_Why can't the agonizing memories from the past fade? Why do I keep hoping that you will come back? Why do I love you? _

Harry/Ginny

#1 Redemption Challenge – Slytherin house.


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